


If only

by AnxiiousAvocado



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: F/M, Unrequited Love, pls be gentle im fragile, um Idk how to tag
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-27
Updated: 2017-06-27
Packaged: 2018-11-19 13:49:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 701
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11314704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnxiiousAvocado/pseuds/AnxiiousAvocado
Summary: Some Angelica angst I wrote while listening to Satisfied.





	If only

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first published ficlet thing on here.  
> Please be gentle I'm a fragile bean and yeah enjoy the angst I guess.

_ This could be my wedding if I wasn’t so selfless. _

 

I watched the ceremony go on with a tight smile. I let someone who brought me so much happiness get away. He could’ve been mine but at the cost of my sister’s happiness and I would never want that. My selflessness caused me to be in the position now. My chest feeling tight. The hot tears welling up in my eyes. It was becoming too painful to watch but I couldn’t just leave and make a scene taking away from her big day. I had to be there for Eliza no matter what. A few tears slipped down my face but it was okay. Everyone would just assume they were tears of joy not ever knowing the truth. 

 

_ Eliza would be giving a speech instead of me. _

 

I raised my glass to them in a toast with a smile. My perfect facade couldn’t fail me now, especially not in front of everyone here. I had my whole speech prepared. I knew it so well that I could do it in my sleep. I wasn’t not happy for Eliza, I truly was, but even still it hurt. I thought back to the very night that I had traded my satisfaction for Eliza’s happiness. The night that my eyes had met with his. We had only spoke for a brief moment but by the end of that I was completely hooked on him. It turns out I wasn’t the only one. Eliza had came to me going on about how she wanted to talk to him but was too nervous. She had that look in her eyes. The same one I probably had when I first saw him too. I could feel my smile weaken so I turned away from Eliza and told her to wait there. I should have never introduced them. Maybe then he would’ve been mine…

 

_ This could be my family just getting started. _

 

He was off to war when Eliza told me she was pregnant with their first child. I was so conflicted. Eliza was having her first child and honestly I was ecstatic.  The first of the new generation in our family. But deep down I was envious. I wanted a family of my own more than anything and of course I wanted it with someone I couldn’t have. I had secretly hoped that it would be a girl baring Eliza’s features but it was a boy named Philip. Seeing them together as a family made my heartache for what could have been mine. By the time they had their fourth child I knew I needed a distraction. And I found one named John Church. He wasn’t  _ him _ but he was close enough. Interesting enough to for me to move to London and start a family there. It had hurt to say goodbye to my family but I needed to do this.

 

_ And in the end I wouldn’t have to dream of him. _

  
  


He didn’t want to say goodbye forever though. And he knew I didn’t want to either. So he wrote me letters every chance he could. And I had wrote him back. It was as if his presence never left me. Our relationship that was formed wouldn’t be understood by any outsiders so I hid them. I didn’t want John to see any of the letters and that made me feel guilty. What made me feel even more guilty was how I came to terms with the fact that I had practically used John to get over him. I languished in a marriage where the love was one sided. I had lied to my husband with falsified love telling him I loved him and only him when my real love was unrequitedly for someone else was was over 3,000 miles away. Things could’ve been different if I had only cared about my feelings. I wouldn’t have to wait to see him in my beautiful nightmares every night since I could look over and see him laying next to me. I wouldn’t have to fantasize about him when I’m with John as if he were really here with me. 

 

_ If only I had claimed him first. _


End file.
